I don’t want to brag, but I’m a bit of a puzzler these days. It might even have been suggested that I could win a puzzle contest, if there was such a thing as a puzzle contest. (I just googled it, there is such a thing indeed, and I most definitely would not win one.) My puzzling really took off during the early days of the pandemic (remember when we were ‘all in it together,’ separated but spirited in our solidarity? Hmm.) It was something mindless to do. And I guess if I was to dig deeper, perhaps it gave me some semblance of control, order, a clear before and after; and I like how each piece is unique yet somehow connects to play it’s part in the bigger picture.
One of my strengths is connectedness- the belief that the many small moments and events of life are merely pieces that come together to construct the bigger picture. Less coincidence, more meaning and purpose. I see it all around us. The interwoven dependencies and provisions between flora and fauna, the human body and all it’s complexities- down to the cellular level, functioning independently yet cohesively. And I see it in the seasons of life that all seem to build on each other, connecting to form the bigger purposes of our lives.
While it’s often times a strength, I think in some ways it has contributed to the confusion I’ve felt on our journey through (in)fertility. I want to see the big picture, understand the purpose in the pain, to know that the heartache is not senseless. I have found myself at times fixated on trying to understand, on trying to answer all the whys. I want it to make sense and it just doesn’t. And while I can see these little piles of purpose, a growing faith, humility, surrender…I still cannot grasp THE purpose. It’s been hard making peace with the idea that perhaps I may never come to understand THE purpose. No one likes an unfinished puzzle (especially not this type A recovering control freak.)
And when I reach the limits of my own understanding I am forced to go back to the basics, the things I know to be true. I look to those edge pieces, with the straight lines that can hem me in, providing structure for what’s being built in the middle. And here’s what I know to be true: that God works all things for GOOD. That when I seek him in prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING I can have HIS peace that surpasses MY own understanding , a peace that will guard my heart and mind. Too often I think that peace comes through my own understanding, my own ability to see how this is all part of the bigger plan…but I don’t have to wait for that?? Oh what a relief!
I might not be winning any puzzle contests anytime soon, but I’ll keep picking up the scattered pieces, relying on those truths to guide me when everything else is obscured, and slowly, piece by piece, continue to go through life trusting that the picture He’s making will be more beautiful than I ever imagined.
