“…the fear of the pain of this wound turned out to be worse than the actual pain.” Anne Lamott
Oh Lord, if that doesn’t some this up. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts…it hurts like hell. In fact, if you had sat be down a year ago and painted the scene for me, described the road ahead, I‘d likely have opted out.
For about a thousand reasons, I never wanted to do IVF. First and foremost, I had hoped that infertility would not be part of our story. I had hoped that earlier interventions might have led to a pregnancy, saving us the many disappointments encountered on the road to IVF. It was too expensive, there were ethical concerns, perhaps we’d foster or adopt, or maybe a miracle pregnancy would surprise us…anything but this dreaded path. But here we are.
Along the way, any time that hope started to grow, fear would rear it’s ugly head. My mind running wild with the what-ifs. And many of those worst case scenarios unfortunately have come to pass. I find myself paralyzed with the fear that we might follow this road to the end and still none of it will work- that I’ll never get pregnant. And perhaps it’s still too soon to tell, that may be the story after all. But having weathered this journey over the years, I can see now that the fear of this pain- the ways I imagined it would crush my spirit, proved to be far greater than the pain itself. Oh it hurts- so, so bad. But I have experienced too that life is not a continuum of these devastating moments.
The fears tell us that those worst case scenarios are never ending. Things happen, really hard things happen, but somehow you keep on going and life keeps on going in all of its highs and lows. Some days you cry, some days you distract yourself, some days you feel ok and some days not so much. But God’s met me every time, held me, comforted me, even when I‘ve questioned His goodness or care. I cannot imagine walking through any of this without Him. I’m so grateful that by grace that’s what we’re doing- walking through the pain together.